All my life I have suffered with an acute case of Peter Pan Syndrome. Normally this condition only applies to men, as it is defined as an adult male who never grew up and still exhibits social habits of a boy. Though I am not a man, I have always considered myself something of an adult-child. I was totally comfortable living at home til I was 23 and probably wouldn't mind it if I was still living there. I enjoy games and working with kids because I have a childlike quality that is prevalent in my personality. I also never realistically thought about or hoped for my future. When I was younger I wanted to be on Broadway and have my name in lights. The biggest issue with making that dream come true were my lack of dance skills. In dance calls, I always showed tons of enthusiasm and hoped that overshadowed the fact that I actually had no idea what I was doing. I think I always knew dancing wasn't going to happen, so I never really thought about my future as a performer in the way that some people think about their futures. Even being in school now to become a teacher, I never really longed for my own classroom or students or adult life. Until now.
This year is going to be a busy one for me. Right now life is highly chaotic in every possible way. School six days a week, homework from all of my classes, steady work 3 days a week, plus almost always weekend jobs. Also, for the next ten days I am taking care of a friends dog so that means walks every morning and every night. After all of my priorities are taken care of, then I get to try to have something of a social life. And maybe get a little sleep. Or eat. Now I know that everyone is busy. I am not special in that I have a busy life. But its still hard. I am, for the first time, trying to live financially independent. So (besides my tuition) I pay for rent, transportation, food, tampons, everything. I also understand that a lot of people my age do that, but throwing school in the mix doesn't give me much time for work. But I do work every chance I get. When people offer me jobs like walking dogs or babysitting kids I say yes 90% of the time. I hustle hard to get the small amount of money that I can live off of. It's very tiring.
Yesterday after waking up at 6:30, walking the dog by 8, having class at 9, having work at 12, and walking the dog again at 7 with little to no breaks I was totally beat. And I was on my way to my own house-warming party so that meant no sleep til late. So I was walking along and a very surprising thought popped into my head. I can't wait to have a regular teaching job, a set schedule, a salary with some nice benefits, and maybe a family. I've never had that thought in my entire life. I've never had that weird yearning to grow up. But now I can't wait til the days of regularity happen. Believe it or not, its not a thrill to work and school 12 hours a day and still sometimes not know where your next meal is coming from or how you're going to pay your rent. It sounds very romantic and exciting in a way. Very New York. But actually it sucks a whole lot. I can't wait for my life to be the life of a fully functioning adult. I just need to stick it out for three and a half semesters and then I get to start. But some tips for how to survive the next year and half of hustling and panicking would be super helpful.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Forever Friends
So this is a widely known fact about me. I love people. I pretend that I hate them but really I love them. Which is probably why I can be so awkward. I'm just really excited to meet everyone and be friends with them. Like a puppy. I'm an extremely open person and I genuinely enjoy spending time with people and forming close bonds with them. I think where I have boundary issues is that I decide that I am going to be friends with them almost immediately after meeting them. And I decide that we are going to be friends forever.
For example, on my first day of staff training at camp this year, I met a bunch of people. Then I proceeded to invite all of them to stay with me in NYC after camp was over. Even though I had met them maybe an hour before that. I had decided that we were going to be forever friends. I'm only writing this example because that mostly came true. I had a ton of people staying with me in the city when camp ended, which was awesome. But sometimes my decision to be forever friends with everyone I meet doesn't end that way.
I first learned this in high school. In the town I grew up in there are three middle schools and they all feed into one high school. The middle school that I went to was really small and by eighth grade we were all pretty good friends. Almost immediately after going to high school, what I had thought was my tightly knit crew of weirdos disintegrated. I don't think I noticed it too much because I was making my own new friends and falling in with my people, which is what we were all doing I guess. But it was definitely weird to see these people whom I had thought I knew so well change so drastically in such a short amount of time.
Fast-forward to college. I think within the first month of college I stopped talking to half of the people I considered to be good friends in high school. And within the first two years of college, I could count the high school people I remained in touch with on one hand. I've now been to three different colleges and made friends at each place but as the years have gone by that multitude of friends has dwindled down to maybe two or three from each chapter of life.
That isn't a bad thing though. I look back on people that I have fallen out with or just lost touch with and sometimes I think about what they are up to right now. But mostly I focus on the people in front of me. The people that I have remained in touch with and kept in my life are in my life for a reason. Theres a mutual sort of caring between us, and its hard in the busy lives that we all live to stay in touch with people that you don't consciously care about. I do get disappointed sometimes because I love forever friends and I try to make everyone I meet fit into that category. But the fact is they don't and that's all right. It's ok to have ten friends. It's ok to have two friends. As long as they are people that want you to be in their lives as much as you want them to be in yours. And as long as they make you happy. Because that's the most important.
For example, on my first day of staff training at camp this year, I met a bunch of people. Then I proceeded to invite all of them to stay with me in NYC after camp was over. Even though I had met them maybe an hour before that. I had decided that we were going to be forever friends. I'm only writing this example because that mostly came true. I had a ton of people staying with me in the city when camp ended, which was awesome. But sometimes my decision to be forever friends with everyone I meet doesn't end that way.
I first learned this in high school. In the town I grew up in there are three middle schools and they all feed into one high school. The middle school that I went to was really small and by eighth grade we were all pretty good friends. Almost immediately after going to high school, what I had thought was my tightly knit crew of weirdos disintegrated. I don't think I noticed it too much because I was making my own new friends and falling in with my people, which is what we were all doing I guess. But it was definitely weird to see these people whom I had thought I knew so well change so drastically in such a short amount of time.
Fast-forward to college. I think within the first month of college I stopped talking to half of the people I considered to be good friends in high school. And within the first two years of college, I could count the high school people I remained in touch with on one hand. I've now been to three different colleges and made friends at each place but as the years have gone by that multitude of friends has dwindled down to maybe two or three from each chapter of life.
That isn't a bad thing though. I look back on people that I have fallen out with or just lost touch with and sometimes I think about what they are up to right now. But mostly I focus on the people in front of me. The people that I have remained in touch with and kept in my life are in my life for a reason. Theres a mutual sort of caring between us, and its hard in the busy lives that we all live to stay in touch with people that you don't consciously care about. I do get disappointed sometimes because I love forever friends and I try to make everyone I meet fit into that category. But the fact is they don't and that's all right. It's ok to have ten friends. It's ok to have two friends. As long as they are people that want you to be in their lives as much as you want them to be in yours. And as long as they make you happy. Because that's the most important.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Image is Everything
All I've heard for years is that what you look like doesn't matter as long as you are a good person. The older I get, the more I realize that this notion just is not true. In high school its hard to wear something other than sweat pants and your body is still changing and growing, so this adage is perfectly applicable there. But in the real world, appearance matters. And I hate to be putting that out there on the internet because I know I have some young readers out there, but its just the truth.
As I packed up to move to Manhattan, I realized that a large majority of my clothing is fit for a 14 year old. I own as much stuff from Forever 21 as I do from J.Crew. No one can be 21 forever and people will make assumptions about me and my age and maturity based on what I am wearing. So I've decided its time for a change. I was at a bar below my apartment the other day and I realized that my jeans and tank top that I wore to babysit that day was no where near as adult an outfit as the business casual people around me. If I don't start wearing clothing like that, how am I supposed to attract like minded people. I want to look professional. I want to look intelligent and adult. I may project that through my mentality and maturity, but without the clothes, that means nothing.
So here is my pledge. To get rid of all the shirts I've had since eighth grade. To start wearing khakis and tailored black pants. To wear button downs and maybe even some nice day appropriate dresses. Then maybe I'll feel like I fit in. Because New York, despite it's diversity, only works if you try to fit.
As I packed up to move to Manhattan, I realized that a large majority of my clothing is fit for a 14 year old. I own as much stuff from Forever 21 as I do from J.Crew. No one can be 21 forever and people will make assumptions about me and my age and maturity based on what I am wearing. So I've decided its time for a change. I was at a bar below my apartment the other day and I realized that my jeans and tank top that I wore to babysit that day was no where near as adult an outfit as the business casual people around me. If I don't start wearing clothing like that, how am I supposed to attract like minded people. I want to look professional. I want to look intelligent and adult. I may project that through my mentality and maturity, but without the clothes, that means nothing.
So here is my pledge. To get rid of all the shirts I've had since eighth grade. To start wearing khakis and tailored black pants. To wear button downs and maybe even some nice day appropriate dresses. Then maybe I'll feel like I fit in. Because New York, despite it's diversity, only works if you try to fit.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Just Go With It
I like to consider myself a go with the flow type of person. I like to have a plan and I enjoy organized fun, but if something throws that plan off kilter, I am pretty good at adjusting and celebrating the alteration. When I was probably 5 or 6, this lesson was taught to me in an extreme way.
My family used to have a house in Yulen, NY which is near Woodstock. It was a decent sized house on top of a hill and on the bottom of that hill was a lake with a big dock. At the house we also had a swing set, a hammock, and a swimming pool. But none of that actually matters to the story. During the spring, my parents had set out to get the house repainted. I think it was red or brown or something when we moved in, I don't really remember. They asked for the house to be painted grey with blue shutters. I will never forget driving up the driveway for our first summer weekend and seeing a big blue house looming above. A big blue house with grey shutters, of course. My 3 year old sisters and I were delighted. How much cooler could a house be? My parents, on the other hand, were not happy at all. But they saw how happy we were and they left it blue. The last time I went up to Yulen was about two years ago, and the house was still blue. That blue house gave my sisters and I a lot of happiness, and in turn gave my parents happiness.
What did I learn from this? What have I taken with me? When life screws with you, just be accommodating because happiness will prevail.
My family used to have a house in Yulen, NY which is near Woodstock. It was a decent sized house on top of a hill and on the bottom of that hill was a lake with a big dock. At the house we also had a swing set, a hammock, and a swimming pool. But none of that actually matters to the story. During the spring, my parents had set out to get the house repainted. I think it was red or brown or something when we moved in, I don't really remember. They asked for the house to be painted grey with blue shutters. I will never forget driving up the driveway for our first summer weekend and seeing a big blue house looming above. A big blue house with grey shutters, of course. My 3 year old sisters and I were delighted. How much cooler could a house be? My parents, on the other hand, were not happy at all. But they saw how happy we were and they left it blue. The last time I went up to Yulen was about two years ago, and the house was still blue. That blue house gave my sisters and I a lot of happiness, and in turn gave my parents happiness.
What did I learn from this? What have I taken with me? When life screws with you, just be accommodating because happiness will prevail.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
The Lives We Live
There is something special and rare about feeling good enough. I grew up in an area of the country where bringing what you had to offer to the table was never valued unless you were better than every single other person at that table. I grew up in a competitive world where you have to get to the top to even be considered moderately successful. My mind has always worked differently than that. I have always considered happiness to be the most important thing in life. Falling in love with your own life over and over every single day is a goal that I believe we should all strive for. This summer, that goal was achieved.
I've always been good at being a big fish in a small pond. When I went off to college, because I had been a big fish in some aspects of high school everyone assumed that I would totally be able to handle a college with five different campuses that thousands of people attended. I was very quickly lost in the shuffle. So I transferred to a smaller school and into a smaller program and thrived as the big fish. Now I live in New York City, which is a hard place to live. Its not the most friendly city in the world, and everyone is there to climb a ladder of sorts. To be the top person in their career. I mean, to even afford to live in New York City, you have to make a ton of money. The average rent in NYC is doubled the average rent in the United States. Actually I just made that up but go with it. I hate living here. It's dirty and rough and not focused on the things I value.
This summer I found a place that is focused on what I care about. Its a small sleep away camp up on Cape Cod where silliness is applauded, kindness is key, laughter is encouraged, and individuality is celebrated. The values that are taught are the values that I have always had. Be nice to people, don't be afraid to be your best "you," caring is cool except for when it comes to caring about what others think of you, and how to not judge people for being their best "selfie."
I was talking to my dad towards the end of the summer and he said that I've always had a tough time making friends. I'm quick to talk and to let people in but those are not qualities that are normally seen as cool. They can be seen as desperate, which isn't something that I am. But that supposed desperation can drive people away. I just like being friendly. This summer I found people who were willing to accept me for who I am, but not to take advantage of what I have to offer. Just to appreciate it and celebrate it. If camp can make a counselor feel that good about themselves, imagine what it does for the campers! The example shown by each and every one of my co-workers was a positive one, creating an accepting and loving environment for everyone no matter what their ages. No matter what their background. I think this summer was the most important of my life. It taught me that there are places where I am good enough. Where everyone is good enough.
I went away this summer thinking that I would come back with a ton of great stories for this blog. But writing this post was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Camp is a weird and special place that only other people who have been to camps will understand. Its a place where an hour feels like a day, a week feels like a month, and 7 weeks feel like a lifetime, yet the summer feels like it went by in a second. It's a place where relationships are cultivated and special because people don't put on a front at camp. Many of the campers say that they genuinely like themselves best at camp, and I have to agree. Now that I am back I can already feel myself retreating a bit. Hiding my emotions more and trying to gain more control over my personality. But I know that if I figure out a way to bring camp with me, I can be the person I was this summer forever. And I hope that happens.
I've always been good at being a big fish in a small pond. When I went off to college, because I had been a big fish in some aspects of high school everyone assumed that I would totally be able to handle a college with five different campuses that thousands of people attended. I was very quickly lost in the shuffle. So I transferred to a smaller school and into a smaller program and thrived as the big fish. Now I live in New York City, which is a hard place to live. Its not the most friendly city in the world, and everyone is there to climb a ladder of sorts. To be the top person in their career. I mean, to even afford to live in New York City, you have to make a ton of money. The average rent in NYC is doubled the average rent in the United States. Actually I just made that up but go with it. I hate living here. It's dirty and rough and not focused on the things I value.
This summer I found a place that is focused on what I care about. Its a small sleep away camp up on Cape Cod where silliness is applauded, kindness is key, laughter is encouraged, and individuality is celebrated. The values that are taught are the values that I have always had. Be nice to people, don't be afraid to be your best "you," caring is cool except for when it comes to caring about what others think of you, and how to not judge people for being their best "selfie."
I was talking to my dad towards the end of the summer and he said that I've always had a tough time making friends. I'm quick to talk and to let people in but those are not qualities that are normally seen as cool. They can be seen as desperate, which isn't something that I am. But that supposed desperation can drive people away. I just like being friendly. This summer I found people who were willing to accept me for who I am, but not to take advantage of what I have to offer. Just to appreciate it and celebrate it. If camp can make a counselor feel that good about themselves, imagine what it does for the campers! The example shown by each and every one of my co-workers was a positive one, creating an accepting and loving environment for everyone no matter what their ages. No matter what their background. I think this summer was the most important of my life. It taught me that there are places where I am good enough. Where everyone is good enough.
I went away this summer thinking that I would come back with a ton of great stories for this blog. But writing this post was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Camp is a weird and special place that only other people who have been to camps will understand. Its a place where an hour feels like a day, a week feels like a month, and 7 weeks feel like a lifetime, yet the summer feels like it went by in a second. It's a place where relationships are cultivated and special because people don't put on a front at camp. Many of the campers say that they genuinely like themselves best at camp, and I have to agree. Now that I am back I can already feel myself retreating a bit. Hiding my emotions more and trying to gain more control over my personality. But I know that if I figure out a way to bring camp with me, I can be the person I was this summer forever. And I hope that happens.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Clean Eating Challenge Days 11-14!!!
I'M DONE! But I also cheated. And I'll weigh myself in the morning to give the final amount of weight I've lost.
Recount of the cheating: Yesterday (Friday. Day 13.) I ate the breakfast I was supposed to eat. After that, my mom took my sisters and me to get our bridesmaids dresses for her wedding. We went to the jcrew bridal shop it was lovely we all picked great dresses in a nice dusty rose color. Then my mom wanted to take us out to lunch at Eataly which was delicious and full of carbs that I had to seriously avoid. So I got a panini with mushrooms, cheese, and arugula and I only ate the inside. No bread or anything. It was so hard because the bread looked amazing. But I saved it and I will take one bite of it tomorrow and then probably throw it out. Then I had the regular dinner I was supposed to eat and then I had wine. Like a solid 4 glasses of wine. I skipped dessert 3 times this week so I don't feel that bad about it but then I went to see Maleficent with my sister Laura and my friend Anna. I was a little intoxicated and needed to put something in my stomach so I ate popcorn. I'm so ashamed. I know that it's gluten free and a healthy snack to choose and whatever so fine. But I still feel bad about it. And now I've said it and now its done. I cheated. But I don't think it was a terrible cheat.
Now the pictures!
Recount of the cheating: Yesterday (Friday. Day 13.) I ate the breakfast I was supposed to eat. After that, my mom took my sisters and me to get our bridesmaids dresses for her wedding. We went to the jcrew bridal shop it was lovely we all picked great dresses in a nice dusty rose color. Then my mom wanted to take us out to lunch at Eataly which was delicious and full of carbs that I had to seriously avoid. So I got a panini with mushrooms, cheese, and arugula and I only ate the inside. No bread or anything. It was so hard because the bread looked amazing. But I saved it and I will take one bite of it tomorrow and then probably throw it out. Then I had the regular dinner I was supposed to eat and then I had wine. Like a solid 4 glasses of wine. I skipped dessert 3 times this week so I don't feel that bad about it but then I went to see Maleficent with my sister Laura and my friend Anna. I was a little intoxicated and needed to put something in my stomach so I ate popcorn. I'm so ashamed. I know that it's gluten free and a healthy snack to choose and whatever so fine. But I still feel bad about it. And now I've said it and now its done. I cheated. But I don't think it was a terrible cheat.
Now the pictures!
Day 11
Breakfast: Banana and Kale Smoothie
This tasted significantly better this time than it did on the first day. I actually enjoyed it. It was yummy and kind of sweet and still a little grainy but whatever. I still enjoyed it!
Lunch: Tuna Salad with no Mayo on Romaine lettuce
So good. Mayo is an unnecessary condiment. And hard boiled eggs are awesome. Eat this.
Snap Pea Salad with Radishes and Hard Boiled Eggs
Also really good. Feta makes everything better. And I thoroughly enjoy radishes. And eggs. So thats cool. Good day.
Day 12!
Breakfast: Yogurt Parfait with Blackberries and Almonds
Really yummy. Had it already. Enjoyed it. Nice and portable.
Lunch: Leftover blackbean chili with carrot sticks
Had it already. Enjoyed it. Duh.
Dinner: Cod and Bok Choy
Ok. I've come to terms with the fact that I really don't enjoy seafood. Maybe its the texture. I don't know. But I don't like it. Whatever. If you like seafood you will probably like this.
Day 13!
Breakfast: Overnight Oats with Strawberries
Clearly I forgot to take a picture. But I had these already. They were good. Chia seeds still weird me out a little.
Lunch: The inside of a sandwich
It was delicious. A little too much oil and salt. I didn't eat the bread because duh. I guess this was a fine choice. They didn't have salads to go.
Dinner: Shrimp Cups
Maybe I do like seafood. But only if its cut up into teeny tiny pieces. With peanuts on top. And tamari sauce. This was super good. The lime added awesome flavor. I would absolutely make this again.
Day 14!
Breakfast: Feta and Scallion Omelet
Really good. Salty because of feta. But really good. Scallions area amazing.
Lunch: Mushroom Stacks
Maybe it was the slight hangover, but no. I didn't enjoy this at all. I ate one and a half and was done. It was also super filling.
Dinner: Chicken Stir-Fry
Really good but also too much food. I ate as much as I could stomach. But it was yummy.
And thats it! The whole thing! I am really proud of myself. At my choir concert about a month ago I put on a size ten dress from jcrew and I could barely breath. It was so tight. It was clearly too small for me. Yesterday when we were at jcrew trying on bridesmaids dresses the sample size they had was an 8. I put it on and it fit perfectly. It wasn't even hard to zip up. I almost cried. I was happier about that than I was about picking out a beautiful dress.
I'll weigh myself in the morning and post about it tomorrow after I do the Montclair YMCA fun run. Its a two mile run in my town. I probably won't run the whole thing. Maybe not even half of it. But It's about trying, right? The effort? Clearly effort was put in for the past two weeks and that effort paid off. So I gotta just keep trying and trucking.
Til next time!
Alice, like Wonderland
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Clean Eating Challenge Day 10!
Woohoo! Four days left! And no I will not break this cleanse by chowing down on french fries and ice cream, my two favorite foods. I just won't have such a restricted schedule when it comes to eating. I'm going to cut out sugar and flour as much as I can and I will save my french fries and ice cream consummation for when I will be eating the best fries and the best ice cream. So I don't waste it on a pint of edys. Ya dig?
I think I have sun poisoning on my ankles. They are purple and are starting to blister. It feels awesome. Nice and itchy but also really painful. Its definitely something I would wish on my worst enemy. Not that I have those. But if I did, this would be a great way to piss them off.
Also I don't like shrimp. I don't really dig shellfish in general. The texture bugs me out. So I tried really hard today and next time I have shrimp this week I will try really hard again but I make no guarantees when it comes to eating it. Onto the food!
I think I have sun poisoning on my ankles. They are purple and are starting to blister. It feels awesome. Nice and itchy but also really painful. Its definitely something I would wish on my worst enemy. Not that I have those. But if I did, this would be a great way to piss them off.
Also I don't like shrimp. I don't really dig shellfish in general. The texture bugs me out. So I tried really hard today and next time I have shrimp this week I will try really hard again but I make no guarantees when it comes to eating it. Onto the food!
Breakfast: Cauliflower hash with fried eggs
This diet contains a lot of eggs and I'm starting to worry a little about my cholesterol. I am as healthy as a horse. I have perfect cholesterol and blood sugar and everything else a human could need. But the amount of double servings of eggs I've had this week can't be all that good for you. Needless to say, this tasted great. Who doesn't like eggs, cauliflower, and onion? Its hard to say no!
Lunch: Arugula salad with chickpeas, eggplant, and feta
Pretty good. Feta makes everything better. The balsamic vinaigrette that this called for was pretty good too. I ate it all so…yep.
Dinner: Shrimp, kale, collard greens, and mushrooms topped with avocado
Ugh shrimp. I don't know why the texture bugs me out so much. I feel like I'm chewing on an ear every time I eat it. Or a finger. Just some piece of human flesh. I don't even know why. But everything else was good. Loaded it up with hot sauce just the way I like it. I did have to eat this meal super late at night though which sucks. I hate when my boss surprises me by coming home an hour and a half late. Thats always super fun. This year needs to end. Countdown to camp: 19 days.
Til next time!
Alice, like Wonderland
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