Peter Pan Syndrome

All my life I have suffered with an acute case of Peter Pan Syndrome. Normally this condition only applies to men, as it is defined as an adult male who never grew up and still exhibits social habits of a boy. Though I am not a man, I have always considered myself something of an adult-child. I was totally comfortable living at home til I was 23 and probably wouldn't mind it if I was still living there. I enjoy games and working with kids because I have a childlike quality that is prevalent in my personality. I also never realistically thought about or hoped for my future. When I was younger I wanted to be on Broadway and have my name in lights. The biggest issue with making that dream come true were my lack of dance skills. In dance calls, I always showed tons of enthusiasm and hoped that overshadowed the fact that I actually had no idea what I was doing. I think I always knew dancing wasn't going to happen, so I never really thought about my future as a performer in the way that some people think about their futures. Even being in school now to become a teacher, I never really longed for my own classroom or students or adult life. Until now.

This year is going to be a busy one for me. Right now life is highly chaotic in every possible way. School six days a week, homework from all of my classes, steady work 3 days a week, plus almost always weekend jobs. Also, for the next ten days I am taking care of a friends dog so that means walks every morning and every night. After all of my priorities are taken care of, then I get to try to have something of a social life. And maybe get a little sleep. Or eat. Now I know that everyone is busy. I am not special in that I have a busy life. But its still hard. I am, for the first time, trying to live financially independent. So (besides my tuition) I pay for rent, transportation, food, tampons, everything. I also understand that a lot of people my age do that, but throwing school in the mix doesn't give me much time for work. But I do work every chance I get. When people offer me jobs like walking dogs or babysitting kids I say yes 90% of the time. I hustle hard to get the small amount of money that I can live off of. It's very tiring.

Yesterday after waking up at 6:30, walking the dog by 8, having class at 9, having work at 12, and walking the dog again at 7 with little to no breaks I was totally beat. And I was on my way to my own house-warming party so that meant no sleep til late. So I was walking along and a very surprising thought popped into my head. I can't wait to have a regular teaching job, a set schedule, a salary with some nice benefits, and maybe a family. I've never had that thought in my entire life. I've never had that weird yearning to grow up. But now I can't wait til the days of regularity happen. Believe it or not, its not a thrill to work and school 12 hours a day and still sometimes not know where your next meal is coming from or how you're going to pay your rent. It sounds very romantic and exciting in a way. Very New York. But actually it sucks a whole lot. I can't wait for my life to be the life of a fully functioning adult. I just need to stick it out for three and a half semesters and then I get to start. But some tips for how to survive the next year and half of hustling and panicking would be super helpful.

Forever Friends

So this is a widely known fact about me. I love people. I pretend that I hate them but really I love them. Which is probably why I can be so awkward. I'm just really excited to meet everyone and be friends with them. Like a puppy. I'm an extremely open person and I genuinely enjoy spending time with people and forming close bonds with them. I think where I have boundary issues is that I decide that I am going to be friends with them almost immediately after meeting them. And I decide that we are going to be friends forever.

For example, on my first day of staff training at camp this year, I met a bunch of people. Then I proceeded to invite all of them to stay with me in NYC after camp was over. Even though I had met them maybe an hour before that. I had decided that we were going to be forever friends. I'm only writing this example because that mostly came true. I had a ton of people staying with me in the city when camp ended, which was awesome. But sometimes my decision to be forever friends with everyone I meet doesn't end that way.

I first learned this in high school. In the town I grew up in there are three middle schools and they all feed into one high school. The middle school that I went to was really small and by eighth grade we were all pretty good friends. Almost immediately after going to high school, what I had thought was my tightly knit crew of weirdos disintegrated. I don't think I noticed it too much because I was making my own new friends and falling in with my people, which is what we were all doing I guess. But it was definitely weird to see these people whom I had thought I knew so well change so drastically in such a short amount of time.

Fast-forward to college. I think within the first month of college I stopped talking to half of the people I considered to be good friends in high school. And within the first two years of college, I could count the high school people I remained in touch with on one hand. I've now been to three different colleges and made friends at each place but as the years have gone by that multitude of friends has dwindled down to maybe two or three from each chapter of life.

That isn't a bad thing though. I look back on people that I have fallen out with or just lost touch with and sometimes I think about what they are up to right now. But mostly I focus on the people in front of me. The people that I have remained in touch with and kept in my life are in my life for a reason. Theres a mutual sort of caring between us, and its hard in the busy lives that we all live to stay in touch with people that you don't consciously care about. I do get disappointed sometimes because I love forever friends and I try to make everyone I meet fit into that category. But the fact is they don't and that's all right. It's ok to have ten friends. It's ok to have two friends. As long as they are people that want you to be in their lives as much as you want them to be in yours. And as long as they make you happy. Because that's the most important.

Image is Everything

All I've heard for years is that what you look like doesn't matter as long as you are a good person. The older I get, the more I realize that this notion just is not true. In high school its hard to wear something other than sweat pants and your body is still changing and growing, so this adage is perfectly applicable there. But in the real world, appearance matters. And I hate to be putting that out there on the internet because I know I have some young readers out there, but its just the truth.

As I packed up to move to Manhattan, I realized that a large majority of my clothing is fit for a 14 year old. I own as much stuff from Forever 21 as I do from J.Crew. No one can be 21 forever and people will make assumptions about me and my age and maturity based on what I am wearing. So I've decided its time for a change. I was at a bar below my apartment the other day and I realized that my jeans and tank top that I wore to babysit that day was no where near as adult an outfit as the business casual people around me. If I don't start wearing clothing like that, how am I supposed to attract like minded people. I want to look professional. I want to look intelligent and adult. I may project that through my mentality and maturity, but without the clothes, that means nothing.

So here is my pledge. To get rid of all the shirts I've had since eighth grade. To start wearing khakis and tailored black pants. To wear button downs and maybe even some nice day appropriate dresses. Then maybe I'll feel like I fit in. Because New York, despite it's diversity, only works if you try to fit.